Film Noir
by Bryn Gwyrdd
Summary: Lee has two very different "quiet" evenings at home with his family. A short one-off that has been rattling around in my brain for far too long. And let's live dangerously and give this a 'T' rating, shall we?


Disclaimer: I do not own of these characters; they are the property of Shoot the Moon Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television. I acknowledge gratefully the hard work of the creators of the series who brought to life characters we like so much we can't let them go.

* * *

Follows on from my previous long-arc stories. Set in late Autumn, 1988. Mystery marriage is no longer.

* * *

"Hey Sweetheart, it's me!"

As much as Lee loved hearing Amanda's warm voice on the phone, his immediate reaction was panic as if she could see what he was doing at that exact moment. He lunged across the sofa, grabbing the remote and hitting the pause button.

"Well, hello there, Beautiful," he answered, managing to hide the breathlessness. "You just checking in?"

"Yeah, I decided to take a break from doing the paperwork from today's recruit classes and see what my boys were up to."

"Well, your boys aren't up to anything much really. Just watching a movie." He grinned as Phillip and Jamie's heads swivelled to stare at him, eyes wide.

"Oh, what are you watching?"

"What are we watching?" he repeated and winced, knowing that would have set her Mom senses on full alert. Jamie rolled his eyes and Phillip covered his face with his hands. Lee looked down at the video box on the coffee table. Amanda would _kill_ him if she knew what they'd rented. "Oh, well, um, we forgot to hit the store early enough to find anything good, so we're watching that Truffaut film you got me for my birthday, you remember."

"You're WHAT? You're watching _Day for Night_? Oh Lee, you really, really can't-" Her voice screeched loudly enough down the phone line that even the boys jumped.

 _Busted!_ Jamie mouthed at him.

"Oh come on, Amanda – it's not that bad. It's only has a few steamy bits so far and the boys are old enough for those." He searched his memory desperately, trying to remember what else had been in that film that was making her react so badly but drew a blank, but then smiled as he did remember enough to pull out a clinching argument. "Besides, Jamie's really enjoying all the scenes where they're filming the movie –we're seeing all the tricks of the trade."

There was a long silence and then she asked quietly, "Oh, you are?" She wasn't yelling anymore at least. "I have to admit, I'd forgotten that was the plot line when I got you that one. So… you're all enjoying it? Even the kissing stuff?"

"Oh yeah – well I mean the boys aren't loving having to read the subtitles, but yeah, we're all enjoying it." Lee glanced at the screen which was frozen on a particularly unfortunate moment in the raunchy comedy they were _really_ watching. He winced again – maybe there was a reason Amanda was always forbidding these choices at the rental place.

"How far into it are you? Because don't forget it gets really steamy at about the halfway mark, and they won't need subtitles to understand it." He could swear that not only was Amanda not mad anymore, she seemed to be _laughing_ at him. He wondered if Jamie was right and she knew what was going on.

"Oh about three-quarters of the way through. I mean, it'll be their bedtime in about half an hour, right? You know I make sure they follow the rules when you're not here." Both boys stuffed pillows over their faces to muffle their hoots of laughter while he waved one arm at them trying to get them to shush.

"Oh I'm sure you do," and this time he could definitely hear the teasing tone in her voice. "Big Bad Stepdad is not at all a pushover for stuff like that. Especially when you know they have the day off school tomorrow."

"Speaking of which, what time are you home tomorrow?" he asked, making a mental note to make sure this particular rental found its way into the store dropbox hours before whatever she answered.

"Oh, not until late afternoon probably," Amanda answered, cheerfully letting him change the subject. "Billy said I could come watch the candidates go through Dodge City if I wanted to, but I told him I'd rather get all the scoring done so I don't have to come in on the weekend to do it."

"Good idea," Lee replied. "It'll be nice to have you home again."

"Are the boys still planning to spend the weekend at Joe's?" Amanda asked.

"As far as I know," Lee answered.

"Oh good," she answered, that laughter still evident in her voice. "Maybe you and I can rewind the movie and only watch the steamy bits."

"Well, you know I love it when you talk French to me," he laughed, grinning when both boys immediately made retching motions.

"See you tomorrow, tell the boys I love 'em and same to you."

"Love you too."

Lee hung up and turned back to his stepsons.

"Smooth, Stetson, really smooth," Jamie mocked him.

"Well it worked, didn't it? She wasn't yelling when she hung up so we dodged that bullet. And what's our motto, men?"

"Don't tell Mom!" both boys chorused, grinning.

"Absolutely correct, now where were we?"

* * *

With any luck, Amanda would never find out how hard Lee had had to look for that blessed videotape. He thought he'd put it out with the other movies in the family room after she'd given it to him, but it wasn't in any of the places he'd thought it would be. Finally he found it on a shelf in their bedroom, which he really didn't remember thinking was the spot for it, but then again, even a year after he'd moved in, they were still getting used to each other's quirks and habits. Maybe Amanda had brought it up here to watch one night when he was out of town? No matter, he'd found it and he'd managed to pick up dinner from the Blue Fox and a really excellent bottle of wine to go with it to welcome Amanda home from her week helping Billy at Station One.

Dotty had made herself scarce without even being asked, giving him a smirk as she came through the kitchen to collect her purse. "Have a lovely evening, Lee, Dear," she said. "I'm not going to be back before Sunday afternoon, but maybe keep the bedroom door closed just in case?"

Lee closed his eyes and sighed. He loved his mother-in-law almost as much as her daughter but he knew Dotty would never let him live down the day she'd had caught a glimpse of him naked as he slept. "Yes, Dotty, we know the rules."

Dotty chuckled and tipped up onto her toes to kiss his cheek. "You're not much for following rules though, are you, Darling? Probably better if I just make sure to stay away."

"Probably much better," Lee agreed, grinning, as he steered her inexorably toward the front door. "Have a wonderful time with Curt." He waved her off from the front door as she laughed, then turned to race back to the kitchen to pull the dinner from the bags and attempt to make the kitchen table look romantic, with candles and the good dishes. He shook his head as he pulled those out – when did he become a guy who knew there were 'good dishes'? Probably right around the same time he became the guy who lectured his stepsons on the better part of valor being "Don't tell your mother."

"Well, hello Handsome," said a beloved voice from the doorway just as he finished. "That looks nice."

Lee swooped across the room to pick up his wife and kiss her breathless. "You're getting pretty good at sneaking up on me, Partner."

"Learned from the best," she smiled against his lips, fingers combing through his hair. She pulled back and glanced at the stack of takeout containers on the counter. "Saved all your effort for the decorating though, didn't ya, Big Fella?" she teased.

"I only just got home fifteen minutes ago," he shot back. "I could make you something from scratch if you want, but then it will be _hours_ before we can get on with just relaxing on the couch for movie night."

Her eyes lit up and she gave off the deep throaty chuckle that boded well for an evening home alone with her. "Oh yes, movie night. You still up for watching Truffaut for a second night in a row? I can't believe I missed seeing the boys trying to muddle through that one."

"If that's what you want to watch, I am perfectly happy to watch it again," he lied.

"Well, I really think I should," she said in a thoughtful tone. "I mean, the boys are young enough that I should still know what they're interested in. And if Jamie has any questions about film making, it'll give me something to refer to." She leaned back in the circle of his arms and smiled at him. "So they really enjoyed it? Even with all the subtitles and everything?"

"Oh well," he prevaricated, "Phillip wasn't as keen, but Jamie did." He made a mental note to tell the boys that in case they were quizzed later.

"Uh huh. I bet." Her smile was still bright. "Not nearly enough explosions for Phillip."

"There's never enough of those for Phillip," he agreed, "and no car chases either." He kissed the tip of her nose and turned back to the counter. "You hungry for dinner or do you want to freshen up first?"

"I'm starving," she admitted. "The food at Station One definitely doesn't improve with regular exposure."

"Why do you think I never want to go?" Lee laughed.

"Oh sure, that's why you never want to go," she chuckled. "Anyway, food first because once I get in that shower I won't want anything but my pajamas, and I don't want to insult your efforts by not being dressed up enough."

Lee turned to look at her with a slightly leering grin. "Oh, I think I could enjoy a dinner companion who's not wearing anything but a sexy nightgown."

"You seem pretty certain it'll be a sexy one, Stetson," she smiled back.

"Amanda!" he pouted. "For a gourmet dinner and a romantic French film, I deserve nothing less!"

"A gourmet dinner you're getting out of boxes and a romantic film I gave you?" she teased. "I don't think so."

"You don't? Well, you know what I think?" Lee had finished plating the food and turned to pull her into his arms again.

"What do you think?" she smiled up at him, eyes bright with love.

"I think…" Lee began dropping kisses across her cheekbones and down under her ear, pausing to gently tug on her lobe before whispering. "Any nightgown you wear is a sexy nightgown."

"Mmmm," she smiled against his hair. "You know what I think?"

"What do you think?"

"I think that food smells fantastic and I'm _starving_."

Lee straightened up, laughing and turned to pick up the plates. "Well then let's get you fed – you'll need to get your strength up for what I've got planned for you."

"Lee! I was only gone four days! You're acting like you haven't seen me in weeks!"

They settled at the table, beaming at each other across the candlelight.

"You've only been gone four days, but we have a wonderful meal, a great bottle of wine and an empty house for the next two days."

"Oh well, when you put it like that…" Amanda lifted her glass to toast him.

"Welcome home," Lee toasted in her return. There was a pause while they just smiled at each other, still in awe even after a year that this was their home, _together_.

* * *

"You get the movie going and I'll bring in the coffee, Sweetheart." Amanda pointed Lee toward the family room.

"You really want to watch the movie?" he whined. "I thought you were kidding about that."

"Oh yes," she smiled. "I want to see what kind of French film would keep Jamie and Phillip glued to the sofa. And besides…" she leaned over to give him a kiss as he finished putting the plates into the sink, "you know what they say about waiting at least 30 minutes after eating before any physical activity. You can just skip to the sexy bits if you want though," she teased.

"Fine," Lee pretended to grumble and went to queue up the video.

Lee wasn't really paying attention through the endless piracy announcements at the beginning of the tape, as he wandered around the family room, turning off a few lights to create a romantic atmosphere and clearing the coffee table of the various piles of homework and magazines the boys had left so that they'd have somewhere to put their coffee when Amanda joined him. It had been long enough since he'd seen the original that he didn't really pay attention to the techno pop that played as the movie began, just absentmindedly putting it down to poor taste on Truffaut's part or the general awfulness of the 1970s, as he wandered back to the kitchen to help Amanda load cups and dessert onto a tray.

"You go sit, I'll bring it when the coffee's ready," he shooed her out of the way.

"But you'll miss the beginning," she answered.

"Doesn't matter – don't forget I already watched it last night. You get your feet up and I'll bring everything in."

"I like this being waited on hand and foot," she grinned. "I should go away more often."

"No, you shouldn't," he called over his shoulder, starting to fill the cups with the freshly brewed coffee. He turned to carry the tray in, only half noticing that Amanda was still standing, staring at the TV with her head cocked to one side.

"You really didn't think was too steamy when you were watching it with the boys?" she asked, her tone slightly quizzical.

Lee looked up for the first time and it was only by the grace of God that he didn't actually drop everything he was carrying. The pornographic orgy playing out on the screen was certainly not what he remembered from watching this film back when it had come out.

"Oh my God!" he yelped, dropping the tray onto the coffee table and racing to find the remote. He found it and managed to turn it off although not before they'd both gotten a good look at a lot of naked flesh.

"I can explain!" he found himself saying, even though he absolutely couldn't.

"Oh really?" asked Amanda, turning to stare at him. "You can?"

"Well, no I can't," he confessed. "Amanda - I swear I got rid of all of those years ago – I mean, _years_ \- even before we started dating! I don't know how it could have ended up in the wrong box! And I swear this is _not_ what I watched with Phillip and Jamie!" He reached over and pressed the button on the VCR to eject the tape, then pulled it out to see what it was. He paused, completely confused and stared at the tape which was clearly labelled " _La Nuit Americaine (Day for Night)"._ "What the hell?"

Slowly, far too slowly he became aware of an odd noise coming from his wife and looked up to see her watching him, eyes sparkling, hand over her mouth to muffle her giggles. When their eyes met, she dropped her hand and finally let herself give in completely to the fit of laughter.

"Oh my gosh, Lee – if you could see your face right now!" She gasped with laughter again and then managed to go on. "Although I bet it isn't a patch on what mine must have looked like last night when you said you and the boys were watching it!" She doubled over in another peal of laughter, leaning against the back of the couch, apparently unable to hold herself up.

"You _knew_ about this?" he asked, still completely confused.

"Well, of course I did," she grinned. "I gave it to you, remember?"

"What the hell is it?" he asked, looking down at the tape and back at his still helpless wife.

"Leather Kittens," she answered, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I made it especially for you!" When she went off into another fit of giggles at his expression, Lee began to wonder if he was ever going to understand what was going on.

"You made it for me?" he repeated.

"In Fabrications class," Amanda answered, finally starting to catch her breath. "We had to come up with an idea for something you could hide in plain sight in your apartment or someone else's and we'd just had that conversation a few weeks before about how that old movie theatre used to play Truffaut films before it turned so seedy and well, it just struck me as a funny idea. And Efraim thought it was funny too and something no one had thought of before so we went ahead and did it. I got an A – the rookies who went through the house set looking for our class projects never figured it out!"

"Leather Kittens," Lee repeated. " _Leather Kittens_? You gave me a porno film, for my birthday, in front of your entire family with a straight face – and then _never_ told me what it really was?" He was starting to laugh too as the full impact of it finally penetrated his brain. "It's like those damn letters all over again!"

"Oh, I've just been biding my time waiting to suggest we watch it," she grinned. "But you almost gave me a heart attack last night when you said you were going to watch it with Phillip and Jamie!"

"I bet I did," he shouted with laughter. "Oh my God!" He flipped the tape around in his hands, studying it. "Wait a second - how did you even get a copy of Leather Kittens?"

"Oh that was the best part – I made Francine go with me down to that XXX video store off K Street- I'd never have had the nerve to go by myself. That was a fun afternoon," she added with a faraway look. "I haven't laughed that hard in ages – well, not until just now."

"Francine knows about this?"

"Well, the whole class knows about it," chuckled Amanda. "But only Francine knows we actually went and got the real movie. They all think I just worked on faking up the label and the box."

Lee began to whoop with laughter before dropping the tape and stepping onto, and then over the couch on his long legs and dragging Amanda into his arms. "I cannot believe you are _so_ sneaky! It's like I don't even know my own wife!"

Amanda let herself be pulled in for a long kiss before pulling back and grinning up at him. "So, what did you really watch with the boys?" starting to smile more broadly at the guilty look on his face.

"Animal House," he admitted. "And yes-" he held up a hand "you were probably right that it was a little too adult for them."

"Well, I'm sure it was less raunchy than this one," Amanda laughed. "And I'm sure you all had a pretty good boys' night out of it."

"You're not mad?" he asked hopefully.

"No, I'm not mad," she answered, cupping his cheek. She sighed and looked up to meet his eyes. "I know I can probably still be a little too overprotective of them sometimes because I still think of them as my little boys, so it's good they have you to keep them from going too far the other way on their own. And I know you wouldn't show them anything _too_ inappropriate – _and_ , unlike me, you were a teenage boy once so you can probably gauge better what's too much."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure that a lot of the jokes are still going over Jamie's head." He paused for effect before adding "But he _might_ be thinking about asking for a toga party for his birthday party next month!"

"Oh no, I don't think so!" Amanda laughed. "I'd never live that down with the other mothers!" She glanced down at the tape where Lee had dropped it. "So, are we going to watch that? Or…?"

"Oh, I think "Or"!" chuckled Lee, leaning in to kiss her. Amanda grinned and began to back slowly out of the room, tugging him with her toward the stairs when he came to a sudden stop.

"What's the matter?" she asked as he pulled away from her.

"Nothing," said Lee, picking up the tape and the box. "But with our track record, there is no way I'm leaving this downstairs! You just know the boys or your mother would come home unexpectedly and play it!" He carefully slipped the tape back in its box and tucked it in the back of his jeans, then turned to stalk towards her.

"Alright Wife, which Truffaut film shall we go re-enact upstairs? Love on the Run? Breathless?"

"The Man who Loved Women?" said Amanda suggestively, picking up speed as she started to head up the stairs again.

"Amanda!" Lee stopped dead and gave her a hurt look. "I can't believe after all this time you would still make jokes like that. I'd expect that from Francine, but you?"

She stopped and turned to look at him, cocking her head, suddenly uncertain whether he was serious, then realizing he wasn't with a yelp as he took advantage of her stillness to leap up several steps in a single bound and pull her back into his arms.

"You know I have only ever loved one woman!" he growled seductively.

Amanda pulled his head down to kiss him before leaning back to look into his eyes. "I do," she said in perfect contentment. "But remind me anyway, mon amour."

A few seconds later, the bedroom door swung quietly shut.


End file.
